What Do I Tell My Kids About Santa? Tips for Tough Conversations

With Christmas right around the corner, I have found myself having this conversation with multiple clients recently. “How do I explain Santa to my literal child with Autism?” “I don’t want to lie to my child who has experienced trauma, but I also want to keep the magic of Christmas alive for them.” “My child is afraid of Santa, how do I navigate that in my house where other children still believe?”

There are no hard rules when it comes to Christmas “magic,” and I encourage everyone to think about what is best for the children in their household, even if it doesn’t look like the Hallmark movies.

Below are some options to help navigate conversations with children who may not have a textbook relationship with Old Saint Nick.

What to Tell Kids About Santa: Navigating Difficult Conversations with Children with Complex Needs

For Children Who Have Experienced Trauma

If your kiddo has been through a traumatic experience, Santa may be scary to them or bring more questions than expected at a young age. The idea of a strange man entering your home in the night may not be the magical story for your child that it is for others.

It may also provoke more questions surrounding Santa than you were prepared to answer: “Mom, how do I know Santa won’t come into my room? How does Santa know if we are sleeping? Can you call Santa and tell him not to come?” 

If children have fear or uncertainty around Santa, I encourage parents to promote agency in their child and promote whatever makes them feel most safe.

For some parents, that means having the “big talk” about Santa earlier than anticipated, or never engaging in the narrative at all. For other parents, this looks like making rules around Santa that make it feel safer.

Some examples:

• Leaving a letter for Santa with the cookies that says that he cannot enter past the living room of the home, but is welcome to leave presents and have a snack.
• Writing a letter to Santa to let him know the doors to the house will be locked, but he can leave gifts in the garage.
• Contacting Santa and asking him to mail the gifts to the house so he does not have to come in, and that they will be happy to wrap them under the tree and mark that they are from him.

There are creative ways to help your child engage with Santa and also feel safe and secure.

For Neurodiverse or Anxious Children Who Have a Lot of Questions

For some kids, it’s best not to tell them elaborate stories about Santa, because they will be quick to poke holes and begin having questions about how trustworthy adults can be if they are willing to lie about something so silly.

There are several ways these conversations can be navigated, and I encourage you to make whatever choices are best for you and your family, especially if you have multiple children with different personalities/neurotypes. 

My personal favorite variation of this conversation came from my own mother. I was an anxious child myself, and had questions regarding this Santa guy pretty early on.

I asked my mother if Santa was real, and she gave me this line: “Well…to me, Santa represents the spirit of Christmas. And the spirit of Christmas is very real.”

This was vague enough not to be harsh, but also clear enough that, as a child, I knew that there was not a man coming through my chimney. It gave me peace of mind and also allowed me to still participate in the Santa traditions because it represented something bigger than Santa, but rather the spirit of giving, of love, and of family.

Some neurodiverse children may need something more literal and to the point. It may be helpful to answer such questions like “Is Santa real?” with:

• Santa was based on a real man, named Saint Nicholas. He was very generous and helped children, which is why we associate him with giving gifts at Christmas!
• Santa Claus is a make-believe character, like Bluey (or insert favorite character here). It’s fun to remember the real man and give each other gifts on Christmas, which is why we use the Santa Claus symbol to celebrate.
• You can also use the Saint Nicholas illustration to help them navigate conversations with other children who believe in Santa. That Saint Nick is real and was alive a long time ago, so it’s okay to say Santa is real. 

Choosing to Tell Kids About Santa in Your Own Way

I encourage everyone to make whatever choices bring the most peace and joy to your family when it comes to Santa.

Some families choose to never participate in Santa in the first place, and others have to pivot and adjust Christmas traditions at certain points throughout their child’s life. No matter what you decide to discuss about Santa, Christmas can still be Merry and Bright.

Happy Holidays to all the non-traditional families whose Christmases may look a little different than most. I hope you find your own version of Cheer!

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