What Does It Mean To ‘Feel My Feelings’?
The phrases “Just let yourself feel your feelings” and “It’s okay to feel all the feels” are really popular in the mental health space and online, but for many of us this does not come naturally.
Some of us try to distract ourselves from things that make us feel. Some try to logically think things through without stopping to see what emotions we are actually having. And some don’t have the language to even understand what we are feeling when we do, so we have a difficult time understanding where we stand on things.
If you resonate with any of these things, there are 3 questions that I ask my clients that are struggling to “feel their feelings” to get more in touch with their emotions.
Struggling to Feel Your Feelings? 3 Questions to Help You Connect
What is the difference between a thought and a feeling?
When I ask my clients this, it sometimes seems as if I have asked an impossible question. I often hear “Well….I’ve never thought about that!” or “Is this a trick question?”
The reason I ask this, is because we so often mix the two together, but thoughts and feelings are separate things! You can logically think one way about a situation, but FEEL a totally different way about it. You can logically understand why someone did what they did, but still feel hurt by it. You can understand that something that affected you wasn’t personal, but still feel angry about it. So what is the difference?
If I am experiencing an emotion, I physically feel that emotion in my body. I don’t feel a thought. An example of a feeling is things like anxiety, anger, sadness, joy. If someone says “I feel like no one likes me.” This is not a feeling, it is a thought. A thought is a cognition, “I’m unlovable, no one likes me” is a thought. That thought may make you feel sad, disappointed, or angry. See the difference?
Where do you feel it in your body?
Emotions are felt in the body. If I ask someone, “Where do you feel that in your body?” and they say “my head”, I know they are not paying attention to their emotions—they are just listening to their thoughts.
Emotions are felt in the body. Anxiety feels like static in your chest and a pit in your stomach. Excitement feels like light-hearted lightning. Sadness feels like your chest caving in on itself.
The first step in identifying an emotion is paying attention to where you feel it in your body, then identifying what emotion that feels like.
What is that feeling called?
Sadly, many of us are not taught how to currently label our emotions. We may know that we feel “bad,” but is that feeling being uncomfortable? Is it disappointment? Is it irritation? These are all very different things.
Having the language to describe what emotion you are really feeling can make such a difference in how we cope with that. How I would cope with my agitation versus how I would cope with my hurt are very different. So correctly labeling how we are feeling is a big part in helping us feel it.
Once we are able to actually identify how we are feeling, we can sit with that feeling and cope with it however we need.
If you have difficulty coming up with ways to cope, I often ask my clients what they would do for a friend that was feeling whatever way they are. If my friend was sad, I would maybe offer them something warm to drink and a blanket so they felt comforted. I deserve to give those same things to myself while I allow myself to feel sad.
Even if we ignore our feelings, they will always come back up somehow. Feelings demand to be felt. So if we stop fighting them and allow ourselves to truly feel, then we can move forward.
About the Author
Karlee Beville, LCSW, specializes in working with teens and adults to overcome past trauma and move toward a life where they can truly thrive. She’s also passionate about supporting individuals exploring neurodivergence or navigating how to better help a loved one.
Be Inspired Counseling & Consulting’s mission is to inspire hope for change to help individuals move forward and live fully.
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