5 Key Points for Reduced Conflict in Communication:
PICAS
Whether we are communicating to a partner, friend, or family member, we are going to have moments where we are triggered. When those triggers turn into anger, they can cause serious problems in our relationships. Sometimes people shut down when they are angry, in fear that they will say the wrong thing and push their partner or loved one away. Sometimes they act out in anger. This can look obvious like yelling, blaming, and belittling. Or it can be subtle, such as closing doors a little harder than usual, stomping rather than walking, or just showing slightly more aggression in body language. Unfortunately, anger in some relationships can result in domestic abuse. What I am trying to say is that if both parties learn and use these 5 key points in communication, there WILL be reduced conflict.
PICAS: Process, Identify, Communicate, Acknowledge, and Support
- PROCESS: This part is done by the one who was triggered. Their job here is to simply walk away before responding in anger and PROCESS the conflict. In this PROCESS, they will walk away from the person who triggered them immediately after the trigger. It is really vitally important here, to stop and let the other person know that they need a minute to PROCESS or think about what they are feeling or what just happened. Whether something was said or done, it is important to know that the person who provoked the trigger is not to blame. Right now, at this PROCESS point, there should be not enough information to begin blaming others or deciding what to do from here. Basically what is happening in this PROCESS point is the triggered person is walking away and finding a safe and quiet place to figure out how they feel.
- IDENTIFY: This is the very next step after finding a safe place to process the conflict. The triggered (or angered) person is going to identify exactly how they feel. This sounds easy, but it rarely is. People who are triggered due to unresolved trauma may have a difficult time identifying feelings. This can be because when trauma happens, our bodies go into high alert, or what science calls the “fight, flight, or freeze” response. When we are triggered by something that our senses remember from trauma, our bodies can go back into that “fight, flight, or freeze” mode without us having any idea why. That’s why the IDENTIFY stage is so important. With a rush of hormones running through our bodies, such as cortisol and adrenaline, our minds become overwhelmed, which makes it difficult finding the right words or even the right thoughts. In this IDENTIFY stage, a person may not even be able to recall negative feeling words. What I teach my clients is that they can pull up the Anger Iceberg worksheet online easily from their phones. This can help them identify the exact feelings so that they can proceed to the next step
Here’s a little example of what the IDENTIFY part should look like. Sally and Joe are going on a date. Sally asks Joe how she looks and Joe says she looks fine. Sally gets triggered. Inside her body, a lot is going on and all she knows is that she feels angry. Joe can tell she is obviously tense, so she tells Joe she needs a minute and goes to the bathroom. In the bathroom, Sally is not thinking of how to get revenge on Joe for making her feel bad. She is simply asking herself, “Whoa, what is going on? What am I feeling right now, and is there an explanation for this?” While processing, Sally may remember a conflict she had with one of her past boyfriends who was abusive. The word “fine” in that relationship usually meant that he was really angry, and when he was angry, it usually escalated to physical violence. In a healthy sense, Sally is going to identify that she felt fearful when Joe said “fine,” and then she reminded herself that she is okay and not in that same abusive relationship. Sally will then proceed to the next step.
- COMMUNICATE: Using the example from above, Sally will COMMUNICATE with Joe exactly how she was feeling. This part is important to remember that when communicating, “I” statements and feelings should be expressed. There should be no sense of blaming or attempting to control someone in this stage. Sally will simply COMMUNICATE to Joe that she was feeling fearful since he said the word “fine,” because it reminded her of the escalated fights she used to have in a past abusive relationship. Sally is going to be very careful here to make the COMMUNICATION all about her and her feelings. She is not trying to control Joe, blame him, or make him feel bad. She is just trying to help him understand how she felt.
This concludes the steps for the person who was triggered, or angered. Processing what is going on, identifying the feelings, and communicating the feelings is all that is necessary for healthy communication from the one triggered.
The next two steps describe how the other person, the one who caused the trigger (intentional or not), should communicate in response.
- ACKNOWLEDGE: This is such an easy step. Many people think that immediately after someone states their feelings, their job is to fix, challenge, or get defensive. We should try to remember that when someone tells us how they feel, we should simply ACKNOWLEDGE that they are feeling that way. Perception is reality, right? Even though we never intended to make someone feel a certain way, the truth is that our words or actions CAN lead others to feel a certain way. We should not argue it or defend it. We should simply validate and ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings. Here’s how Joe can ACKNOWLEDGE Sally’s feelings when she communicated how she felt: “I understand that made you upset. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” Joe should NOT or NEVER say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Wait, what? Is it really that simple? YES! It’s really that simple. When a person tells you how they feel because of something you did or said, you can simply ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings and apologize for making them feel that way. Whether you meant to upset them or not, they got upset. If you love them, be patient with them and humble yourself. If you find it too annoying to ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings and you cannot bring yourself to do that, you might want to reevaluate your love for them. Love is patient and kind, right?
- SUPPORT: Now, you have acknowledged and validated your loved ones feelings. The last thing you need to do to resolve the potential conflict is provide SUPPORT. The easiest way I have discovered to resolve the conflict is to simply ask, “What can I do to help make you feel better?” You would be surprised that your loved one may not need anything at all. Just showing kindness by acknowledging what they had to say may be all it takes. However, there is a possibility that they want you to take it a step further. They may want you to find a solution. For example, Sally may tell Joe never to say “fine” again in regards to how he thinks or feels about something. Or, she may just want a hug. Sally may actually feel safe enough with Joe now that she is able to be vulnerable and tell him more about the past abusive relationship she had.
Let’s recap: there are 5 key points for reducing conflict in communication. You can use the acronym PICAS. The first three steps are for the offended person to Process, Identify, and Communicate. It is crucial that when this person is communicating, they are careful to use I-statements and avoid blaming language. It should be about them communicating their feelings. The last two steps are for the responder to Acknowledge and Support. The goal is for the triggered/offended person to learn to communicate their feelings in safe environment and teach the offender how to respond without getting defensive or argumentative. Keep in mind, this is not going to solve all your problems, but I do believe with this type of communication, there will be a lot less conflict in your relationships. Happy Life!
About the Author:
Missy Daniel, LPC, specializes in working with individuals of all ages who struggle with communication. She works with a team of highly trained therapists who understand how to help those struggling with difficult emotions find the relief they are seeking. Be Inspired Counseling & Consulting’s mission is to inspire hope for change to help individuals move forward and live fully. Click here to schedule an appointment today.
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