Conflict–The Way Out is (Talking) Through
I have met very few people in my lifetime who actually enjoy conflict. For many, conflict is something they avoid at all costs. This is because conflict often brings emotional discomfort, as it involves facing different opinions, or tensions that can be hard to navigate. Sometimes we fear consequences that may result from conflict, such as hurt in relationships, rejection, or even professional repercussions. Conflict, even on a good day, can cause stress and anxiety–especially if you avoid important issues in the name of “keeping the peace” or not “rocking the boat.”
Before I dive into how to address and resolve conflict in a healthy, productive way, let’s first talk about how not leaning into conflict can affect your mental health and relationships. For starters, it may not surprise you to hear unresolved conflicts can create a ton of stress. Walking around, ignoring elephants in the room can trigger anxiety and even feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. We were made to be in community with others. So, when strained relationships or toxic environments persist, it can cause a whole heap of issues. Sleep can become compromised or blame and criticism from unresolved issues can grow. This is why finding ways through conflict can actually improve your mental health and relationships for the better.
I’ll be honest. Part of the reason I am writing about this topic is because younger me (and sometimes current me) avoided conflict at all costs. But the more I’ve embraced conflict, addressing the problem head on instead of running from it, I’ve learned resolution to conflict can bring peace. And who doesn’t want a more peaceful existence? It can also improve relationships, encourage teams to work more collaboratively and efficiently, and contribute to personal growth. Successfully navigating conflict can not only build trust, but it can prevent the same conflict from emerging again.
If you find yourself in a conflict, here are just a few suggestions to help you communicate through it to resolve it in a healthy way. First, it’s important to be, and stay, calm. Trying to resolve an issue while emotions are high will probably be as effective as adding gasoline to a fire in hopes of putting it out. Take deep breaths and try to keep your cool while communicating through whatever issue you are trying to address.
Go into the conversation with the intent to listen to understand, rather than listening to defend yourself or your viewpoint. Active listening involves hearing what the other person is saying and also acknowledging their feelings, thoughts, or perspectives. This doesn’t mean you have to agree, but validating how someone feels or thinks–even if you disagree–goes a long way in understanding why there is a conflict to begin with and gives insight into possible resolutions.
Express yourself clearly by using “I” statements to convey your feelings and needs without blaming. An “I” statement helps avoid the blame game by communicating how you feel and what the other person may have done, or didn’t do, that caused you to feel that way. An example of this could be, “I feel rejected and sad when you disregard what I’m saying by walking off, and I’d rather you stay and at least hear me out.” Also, try to find some common ground. Many times, people share the same ultimate goal, desired outcome, or interest–they may just be going about how to get there in completely different ways. If the shared goal is to come to a resolution about the current situation, agreeing upon something can be a strong foundation to start on.
Seek to clarify any misunderstandings to ensure both parties understand each other’s viewpoints. And take breaks if needed. If tensions rise, and things get heated, take time to cool off before continuing the conversation. Body language can provide a lot of information on how someone is responding to what you are saying. Pay attention, not only to the words they are saying, but also the non-verbal cues they are giving.
Finally, focus on solutions instead of dwelling on problems. Stay open-minded and be willing to adapt and change your views if needed. I hate to say it, but even though I may think I’m right in a conflict, doesn’t mean I am. Considering alternative perspectives is important when finding a solution that will work for all parties involved. If you’ve already tried all these suggestions or if the conflict is too large to resolve on your own, then involve a neutral mediator who can help facilitate communication to find resolution. A mental health professional can help you navigate challenging conversations and major conflicts.
I hope the next time you find yourself faced with conflict you lean in and communicate through it. Remember, not all conflict is bad, in fact many times it can be a good thing. Just take a deep breath, listen to understand, and focus on the solution with an open mind. As a result, you may discover you can experience more peace, harmony, and deeper relationships this year.
About the Author
Christy Pennison, LPC-S, is the founder and lead inspirer of Be Inspired Counseling & Consulting. If you are struggling to navigate conflict in relationships or at work, one of our couples’ counselors or relationship experts can help.
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