How to Set Boundaries with Family and Protect Your Peace
The holidays can be a reminder for grief, a breeding ground for disappointment, and a healthy reminder of why we don’t see our extended family every day. These moments have made some of my clients realize that they want to change their boundaries with some of their family, or change their relationships with them.
Here we’ll cover some tips on how to do that if you are in a similar situation. But first, let’s explore what setting boundaries means.
What Setting Boundaries With Family Means?
There can be some confusion about what setting boundaries really means.
Your boundaries are about you and what behavior you will and will not tolerate; not about how the other person is expected to act.
Setting boundaries is how you determine what YOU will do in response to the other person’s behavior. Boundaries are not trying to change the other person. With this in mind, see what you are comfortable changing to better protect your peace in your relationships.
2 Key Tips to Set Healthier Boundaries with Your Family
1. Shift YOUR Behavior
Boundaries are yours, not your family’s, so they don’t have to be informed. You just have to shift your own behavior.
Maybe you want to avoid certain topics to better maintain relationships with family members, and choose not to engage if they bring them up (e.g., politics, religion, etc.). You might also decide to change how present you are and how often you’re around certain people. That could mean skipping some holiday events and attending only the ones that feel most important to you.
Or perhaps you decide not to reach out and be the one initiating conversations with certain people to limit interaction, but respond if they reach out to you. There are many ways shifting your behavior can help protect your peace. And you don’t have to let people know you are shifting your boundaries unless you feel it’s helpful in that relationship.
2. Manage Expectations
There is something that I was told by someone I love that has stuck with me, and I have repeated countless times to my clients:
You can shift your expectations of someone by shifting how you see the relationship.
For example, you may have certain expectations of what a father “should” be. If your father is falling short of this, but you still want some sort of relationship, maybe start looking at him more as an uncle and have the expectations that come with an uncle/niece relationship. You see an uncle at family gatherings and holidays, you may shoot them a Happy Birthday text, but they don’t have nearly the same weighty expectations as a father.
Or perhaps you want space from your siblings, so you start treating them more as a cousin. Maybe your aunt is better seen as your uncle’s wife or your mother’s sister, not YOUR aunt.
See how these simple perspective shifts can help manage your expectations in a relationship? This has been a game changer for some of my clients.
Your Needs Change—Your Family Boundaries Can Too
Remember that boundaries can change. Maybe you need some harsher boundaries right now to recover from some hurts, but you can have more lax boundaries down the road. Or maybe you are at a place now where you realize the rigidity of your boundaries is not serving you, and you want to let people in more.
You can always shift your boundaries again if they no longer serve you. Relationships change, grow, and adapt. Boundaries are not permanent.
About the Author
Karlee Beville, LCSW, specializes in working with teens and adults to overcome past trauma and move toward a life where they can truly thrive. She’s also passionate about supporting individuals exploring neurodivergence or navigating how to better help a loved one.
Be Inspired Counseling & Consulting’s mission is to inspire hope for change to help individuals move forward and live fully.
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