How to Find Yourself: 3 Ways to Reclaim What Makes You Happy
There are lots of reasons why we may have lost ourselves: grief, trauma, parenthood, co-dependency, etc. This is why some of the most common goals I hear from my clients are “I want to find myself again,” “I want to figure out who I am,” and “I want to find what makes me happy.”
It’s such an uneasy feeling not to feel connected to who you are, so let’s talk about ways to re-establish that connection.
3 Ways to Help You Find Yourself Again
1. Time Alone
It can be difficult to hear our own inner voice when there is so much stimulus happening around us. Take time to be alone with your thoughts and reconnect with your own opinions.
It’s easy to mold into the people around you and take on their views, their hobbies, their opinions. There is nothing wrong with learning from others and letting their wisdom help you grow. With that said, there is a difference between learning from others and losing yourself. Take some intentional time alone to reconnect with what makes you—YOU!
2. Reconnecting to YOUR Values
Take the time to determine what your values are. Do you value family? Time? Spirituality? Career? Financial stability? And of these values, which are priorities? I explain to my clients that there are no “bad” value systems, they are just different, which is part of what makes you—YOU!
Ways to determine what values are a priority for you are to do a values inventory or imagine scenarios where these values may be in conflict.
For example, I may deeply value family and friendship. If I have plans to help a friend move, but then a family member calls asking if I can help set up for their child’s birthday party, what do I do? Which takes priority? Family or friend?
Maybe I deeply value career and also independence. What happens if a job offers me a greater salary, more responsibilities, and greater opportunities for growth, but will take more of my time and not allow me to travel as much as I am used to?
These types of scenarios can help you determine which values truly matter most to you. Once you determine your core values, examine your life to see if you are making choices that honor those values.
If you highly value spirituality, have you been making time to practice in whatever way feels most connected to you? If you value friendship, have you been reaching out to those you enjoy spending time with? Or if you value stability, have you been making choices that help you plan for the future?
Examine your life through the lens of your values and see if living out of alignment with them may be making you feel disconnected from your true self.
3. Experiment with Joy
I often hear the story of people losing themselves because they didn’t take time for their own self-care. I frequently hear the statement “I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore.”
So I encourage my clients to experiment with things that could possibly bring them joy! Try a new hobby! The worst thing that could happen—it’s not really your thing, and you don’t feel any worse. Best case scenario—you find joy!
Sometimes I give the homework of going to a craft store, like Hobby Lobby or Michael’s, and not leaving until you buy something you can do creatively at home. I have asked clients to look up a yoga or dance exercise video on YouTube for free to see if they like it, then maybe look into joining a class to make some new connections. I have asked clients to sing and dance in their car to see if that sparks joy and to find what songs they like that are popular now. Some of these things may feel silly, but feeling silly is worth finding yourself!
How I Found Myself After Becoming a Mom
I like to joke with my clients about my own experience reconnecting with myself after having my beautiful daughter. I dove into motherhood and, in doing so, lost my connection with myself. So I started experimenting!
I dyed my hair orange, got a new tattoo, and found out that I was sadly one of those adults who love to color (I used to make fun of that!). I sat with myself and remembered what brought me joy.
While taking care of my baby, I called my friends on FaceTime so I could see their faces and feel connected to them. To feel closer to my husband, I’d reach out to hold his hand while we sat in different chairs in the living room. I dance and sing silly songs around my house because it makes me feel more in my own body.
These aren’t things I thought of right away when I realized I needed to take time to find myself again, but they are things I found along the way. I encourage you to experiment and find yourself again, too.
About the Author
Karlee Beville, LCSW, specializes in working with teens and adults to overcome past trauma and move toward a life where they can truly thrive. She’s also passionate about supporting individuals exploring neurodivergence or navigating how to better help a loved one.
Be Inspired Counseling & Consulting’s mission is to inspire hope for change to help individuals move forward and live fully.
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