How to Communicate When You’re Upset

Over the past several months most people, myself included, have experienced what I call a “rollercoaster of emotions”.  These emotions have ranged from fear, frustration, stress, anxiety, loss, and sadness, to irritability, anger, and outrage.  When emotions are high, it’s hard not to react to the changes happening around us or the things we see, hear, and experience.    

The mental strain and stress of quarantine is taking a toll on individuals, children, and families.  Just the other day I found myself wanting to turn into the female version of the Hulk after entering my 11 year old daughter’s room only to find bright, colored paint all over the floor and covers of her bed.  It took everything within me to not yell, scream, and punish her for the foreseeable future from EVERYTHING!

When emotions are high, we want to react automatically.  However, normally the first response we have when we are feeling upset isn’t the best response.  When we react based on how we feel in the moment things tend to get worse, not better.  Becoming reactive can cause us to act in ways that lead to regret later, hurting, not helping, our relationships.

So how do we communicate effectively when we are angry, sad, upset, irritated, or frustrated?  Here are a few strategies, what I call the “5 Cs”, for communicating when emotions are high. 

CALM

CALM.  When you are upset, allow yourself some time or space to calm down.  Whether you are upset with your family member, friend, spouse, child, or coworker, give yourself time between the event that caused you to upset and your response.

The way we feel in the moment will many times not be how we feel 30 minutes, an hour, a day, week, or month later.  Go for a walk, remove yourself from the room, take a drive, whatever you need to do– give yourself a moment to breathe before returning to the conversation.  Just giving yourself time creates clarity about how to respond.

Allow yourself space to be able to come to the conversation in a way you will feel good about later so you don’t have to say, “I wish I would have reacted differently.”   

CLARIFY

CLARIFY.  Enter the conversation with the intent to understand rather than be understood.  Ask clarifying questions to understand the other person’s intention or perspective  When you ask questions, you are letting go of assumptions and seeking to understand the person’s meaning or intent in what they said or did. 

It’s also important to remember that sometimes the way someone is acting towards you has more to do with them than it does with you.  Maybe they are having a bad day or something just happened to them you don’t know about.  It’s okay to ask, “What did you mean when you said ________?”   Seeking to understand first can help the other person become more open to what you have to say next. 

COMMUNICATE

COMMUNICATE.  Once you understand the other person’s perspective then you can communicate your feelings.  Other people don’t know how you truly feel or think about a situation unless you tell them.  One way to communicate how you feel is through “I” statements.  To express how you can feel you can say, “I feel ____________ because ____________ and I would rather __________________.”  

For example, when I walked into my daughter’s room I should have taken a moment to calm down and clarify what actually happened for her to get paint everywhere.  I could have said, “I feel upset, because we’ve talked before about ways to use paint in your room and I would rather you use it the way we talked about or you may not be able to use it again without supervision.”  

This way of communicating can be effective because it allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings while describing the problem.  Instead of saying, “You made me feel______,” which can cause a person to feel like they are blamed resulting in defensiveness, “I” statements can help you avoid the blame game through taking ownership. 

CONSIDER

CONSIDER.  After you express how you feel, it’s important to give the other person an opportunity to respond.  Consider what the other person has to say.  Listen with an open mind and heart.  Give them the space to share their feelings as well.  

When the other person responds, be aware that they may not always respond favorably.  They may minimize the problem, not validate how you feel, or say something else that gets you upset.  If this happens, just take a deep breath in and out.  Acknowledge your effort in communicating your feelings even if the outcome is not what you expected.   

CHOOSE

CHOOSE.  Finally, choose how you want to move forward from this conflict or situation.  You can’t control another person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions, but you can choose how you will respond. The choice may be to give each other space or to speak kinder to each other.  You may choose to ask forgiveness or walk away.  Whatever your choice, identify what feels right for you and the other person. 

So, how do you communicate when you’re upset? Remember, when you are upset it can be tricky to manage your feelings and thoughts at the same time.  By allowing yourself time to calm down before you respond, you can then clarify what the other person meant, communicate how you feel, consider the other person’s feelings, and choose how you will respond.  There are a lot of emotions we are all feeling at this time.  However, learning how to communicate, especially when you are upset, can go a long way in times like these.