Escaping the Avoidance Trap

When the summer heat made its way into town this year, I was excited about getting to cool off in my above ground pool.  But, there was a problem. The pool was a murky, dark lagoon of sticks, leaves, and algae.  Plus, it smelled terrible.

Now if you are thinking, “How did she let her pool get that bad?”  Please know, it’s a question I asked myself many times. The truth is the pool didn’t turn into a murky mess overnight. It was a slow progression over a period of 10 months. It all started with me missing cleaning it once one week which turned into two weeks then two months then ten. I watched it turn from a light green to a dark green to a blackish color.  Each time I caught a glimpse of the pool I told myself, “I will get to it one day.” And over time one day turned into no day. I avoided it. And the more I avoided it, the worse it got.

Avoidance is something we all do from time to time.  Like the pool, when we avoid problems in our life they get bigger over time, not better. Although the reasons we avoid things, people or situations in our life may vary, I’ve found we do this for two reasons.

Pain and Discomfort

The first is that as humans we are hardwired to not want to experience pain or discomfort.  In fact, most of us like to stick to the comfortable or familiar. That’s why when problems come to our attention it is easier initially to stick our head in the sand and pretend the issue doesn’t exist.  Instead of leaning into the problem, we often run from it.  This is because we know if we lean in we will experience pain or discomfort.  It’s as simple as that. 

Here are a few examples of how this happens in real life.  Have you ever been to a family gathering and everyone knows about a problem, but no one wants to talk about it?  That’s avoidance.  Maybe your relationship is falling apart, but it’s easier to not have a conversation about the reality of what’s going on.  You keep up your daily routine saying, “It will get better.” Sounds like avoidance. Or, you are stressed out in your job and experiencing anxiety every time you drive to work.  But, you don’t want to say anything to your boss or begin looking for another job.  Yep, that’s avoidance too. 

Fear of the Unknown

Which leads to the second reason we engage in avoidance: we fear the unknown.  The unknown and uncertain is scary.  We can become paralyzed by fear of the response or outcome if we actually do or say something about it.  Because then things will change.  Yet, the truth is many times when we are avoiding something or someone that is a clue that something definitely needs to change.  

I avoided cleaning my pool because I knew it was going to be a lot of hard work.  I knew trying to get it back to a place where I could enjoy it was not going to be easy.  I did not want to experience the discomfort of doing something I knew could have been way easier if I would have maintained it to begin with.  Life is much like the pool.  There are things we can do to keep our relationships, life satisfaction, or work in a good place, but it requires intentional, consistent action.  

If you are reading this and you are realizing you are avoiding something in your life, I do have good news.  You can break the cycle of avoidance.  (Spoiler alert: you will not break it overnight, but change is possible.)  

Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance

To start, get clear on what you are avoiding and why.  What are you afraid of happening if you address the problem?  Be honest on why it has taken you this long to confront it.  Avoidance leaves clues, so knowing what those clues are will help you when you begin to tackle it head on. 

A question I like to ask myself and others is, “Will you regret it if you don’t address or confront the thing, person, or problem you’ve been avoiding?”  Sometimes the regret of not doing something will drive us forward much more than the regret of doing something.  Ask yourself, “What is the worst possible outcome versus the best possible outcome?”  I like to be prepared for different eventualities.  Just know the worst possible outcome very rarely, if ever, happens (although it is possible).  

Finally, take one small action step at a time to escape the cycle of avoidance.  When you do, you are granting yourself the freedom to move forward versus staying stuck in a never ending cycle.  For me, I had to create steps to get the pool clean.  This required draining, mucking out, cleaning, and refilling.  I’m not going to lie, it was a lot of work.  Confronting the thing I was avoiding allowed me to enjoy the pool for the summer.  It also taught me I never wanted to let it get that dirty again.  

Experience Being Uncomfortable

I do want to mention that sometimes when we avoid things for too long they can get to a place where they are beyond repair.  Which is why I feel strongly about bringing some attention to this issue.  Escaping the avoidance trap will require you to be brave and do some uncomfortable things with no clear certainty of what the outcome will be.  However, the benefits can far outweigh the cost.  Today, you can choose either the short term discomfort of no longer avoiding an issue or long term regret.  I hope you choose to face whatever you’ve been avoiding.

About the Author

Other Services Offered at Be Inspired

Adult counseling isn’t the only service provided at our Alexandria, LA and Natchitoches, LA locations. We also offer online therapy, trauma therapy, grief counseling, and anxiety treatment. In addition, we also offer couples counseling and teen counseling. Feel free to visit our consulting services, FAQ, or blog pages for helpful info!