How to Become a Better Listener

Do you want to become a good listener? Have you ever had a conversation with someone who didn’t hear a word you said?  How did you feel afterwards?  I’m going to guess it didn’t feel great.  We all have experienced times in our lives where we have not felt heard or understood.  

In order to understand each other, we must learn to be able to listen.  As a counselor, countless individuals have sat in front of me, whether it be a husband, wife, friend, parent, or child, and say, “They don’t listen to me.”  In fact, this may be one of the most common complaints I hear.  Lack of listening leads to assumptions, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, conflict, and loss of connection.  The cost of not listening can be very great, but our biggest opportunity to prevent or resolve conflict is to do one thing- listen. 

Why is Listening Hard?

If listening has the power to change things, then why is it so hard?  Well, part of the problem is we want to be heard first.  Even when we start to listen we can fall into the trap of listening to defend ourselves or respond versus listening to understand.  The other challenge is that there is so much noise and distraction preventing us from being present with the person in front of us.  We can be present physically, but our mind may be in a completely different place. 

How can you become a better listener?  Well, for starters, it’s important to know that effective listening doesn’t just happen.  It takes work and practice.  

Become a Good Listener by Listening to Yourself

One way to become a better listener is to at first listen to yourself.  If you can’t listen to yourself, how can you listen to someone else?  Before having an important or tough conversation, check in with yourself.  How are you feeling?  Become aware of yourself and emotions.  Take a moment to clear your mind so that you can go into the conversation with the ability to be present and open to what the other person has to say.

Focus on the Other Person

Next, focus on the other person.  Look into the other person’s eyes when they’re speaking.  Acknowledge that you’re listening by nodding or leaning in.  Listen to understand.  Often during uncomfortable conversations, you may want to share your point of view.  Instead of sharing what you think or focusing on how you should respond, focus on what is being said.  

Reflecting Back

During the conversation, reflect back to the other person what you heard them say.  For example, say things like: “I hear you saying that…” “It sounds like you feel…”  “You’re telling me that…”  Reflecting back to someone what you heard them say shows you didn’t just hear them, but that you are trying to understand.  Your goal when using reflective statements is to make sure you are hearing the other person correctly.  Make sure your tone of voice reflects you are trying to make sense of what they are saying while also giving the other person permission to correct you if you’re wrong.  

Become a Good Listener and Ask Questions

Finally, ask questions.  When you ask questions, you are seeking to gain more insight into the other person’s experience.  Listen for the underlying need, feelings, or meaning they are trying to communicate.  Ask yourself, what are they wanting me to hear?  Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are listening to.  Avoid making judgments.  Create a place where someone feels safe to share how they think and feel.  You may not completely understand where the other person is coming from, but your effort to try to understand will go a long way.  

Practice

Remember, listening takes practice.  After listening to the other person, ask yourself in what ways could you have listened better?  Were there moments you became defensive or eager to share your point of view?  Paying attention to what you did well in the conversation and what you could have done better can help you become a better listener.  

Listening communicates to the other person you matter and what you have to say is important.  Think for a moment; what kind of difference would it make in the world if we listened more?  Imagine for a moment the ripple effects that would create in our relationships, homes, workplaces, society, and world.  Be aware; listening is contagious.  When we listen to others, they will be more likely to listen to us.

One of the biggest gifts we can give someone else is the gift of being heard.  Who can you give that gift to today?

Be Inspired Counseling & Consulting provides in-person counseling in Alexandria, LA, therapy in Natchitoches, LA, and online therapy in Louisiana to individuals throughout the entire state.  Our team of compassionate clinicians are here to help! Contact us to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians today!