Connecting with Angry Children 101

Warning:  This article is for parents and caregivers who know that they aren’t perfect, who occasionally are afraid to take their kids out in public, who know that they will find nothing monumental in the following article about parenting, but love their kids and are willing to trust their own intuition over any one single “proven” parenting strategy.

A teenager and his mom arrived in my office one day, one looking angry as hell and the other at her wit’s end.  Her son was in trouble at school, in trouble at home, a behavior problem everywhere he went, with not a single respectful bone in his body.  His attitude in my office seemingly confirmed all the reasons his mother had to be frustrated.  She needed someone to deal with him, and fast.

So what did I do?  I asked Mom to leave the room.

And then, I skillfully drew upon years and years of graduate level education, counseling theory, and psychological intellect before making a profoundly thought-provoking observation.

I said to the teenager, “You’re angry.”

I know what you’re thinking.  It’s a good thing I have thousands of dollars in student loans to thank for the training that prepared me to make that statement, right?

You may be surprised to know what happened next, though.  This hardened and “troublesome” teenage boy broke down right in front of me.  He told me of his mother’s addiction, her abusive partner, and his daily experience of life at home with no affection, love, or warmth from a parent.

I think I’d be angry too.

It’s worth noting at this point what I didn’t do.  I didn’t assume I knew the answers to “fixing” his troublesome behavior. I avoided try to figure him out or rationalize with him about why change is important.  There was no discussion of a behavior chart or respecting his parents (Hear me out–none of those things are bad.)  

I simply connected with him emotionally. 

More specifically, I named the emotion I thought he was feeling.  And for the first time–ever, it seemed–this teenage boy felt heard, seen, and validated.  And that was the beginning of a healing experience for him.

If you’re beginning to doubt what in the world an emotional connection has to do with your teenager or toddler having a complete meltdown while you’re just trying to get out the door for school or work, especially when it feels like there are some quicker methods to enforcing utter and total compliance–then let me introduce you to toddler/teenage brain neurology.

Our brains are a bit subdivided.  There are parts that focus on emotions and survival (we’ll call it the downstairs brain–mostly because they are physically located at the bottom of the brain), and parts that focus on rational thoughts and intellect (we’ll call this one the upstairs brain).  Kids are born with the downstairs brain in full effect–and this is not a bad thing.  If a baby didn’t cry, then his parents might not know that he needs to eat every couple hours, or that the caregivers that respond to her cries by comforting her are the ones that she can trust and feel safe with.  As kids express emotions and experience parents that respond to these emotions lovingly, children learn on their own to regulate their emotions, and very naturally move to their upstairs brain and think rationally about things.

So….back to your screaming toddler/teen.  Let’s see it for what it is:  they are stuck (in THAT moment) in their downstairs brain.  There is just about NO possible way for them to move to their upstairs brain unless someone connects with them first in their downstairs brain.  Translation:  They cannot begin to think rationally until someone connects with them first emotionally.

I promise it’s much simpler than you think.

With a teenager, this might mean that you simply do as I did above and name their emotion.  And no, you do not do this with your eyes narrowed, arms crossed, and hip poked out.  This is where you muster up all your non-judgment, patience, compassion, and openness.  And be ready for them to yell back with a red face and tell you that no, you’re wrong, they’re not mad.  After which you can simply ask them with warmth and patience, “Oh, ok, well how do you feel?”  After which they may say “fine” and move on.  

Don’t give up, parents–count this as a long-term win.  Why?  Because now they know you care.  And instead of you trying to “fix” them, discipline them, rationalize them out of their attitude, or use effective parenting strategies on them, you have connected with them emotionally.  (Don’t we all want to know we’re a person not a project?)  

That is what will open the door to their upstairs brain, giving them the tools they need to regulate their own emotions, think rationally through their own behaviors, enable productive conversations a couple hours later about their behavior, and open up more opportunities for you to feel good about taking them out in public.