Marathons and Mental Health Part 3: Who Decided That Was A Failure Anyway?
It was the spring of this year, and quickly getting hotter. It was now or never. It was time to go back and do what I had attempted to do in the winter, and failed at–run a 50 mile race through the Wild Azalea Trail. Notably, my attempt earlier in the year was hot on the heels of near-perfect training. I had followed a training plan religiously, done the whole self-care regimen, honed in my nutrition, and regularly checked in with a physical therapist to make sure everything was working the way it should.
When race day arrived, I failed miserably. As in, I barely got started. I had three good miles, before a nagging pain in my knee caused me to hobble the next 8, and knocked me out of the race with nothing but humiliation and frustrating failure at my aid station.
But you know that I can never give up. So I looked for the day that I would try again. I had to let my leg heal, so training barely happened. But as Louisiana spring quickly heats up the trails, I knew that it was time.
But I also knew that there would be a high risk of failure.
I grappled hard with this one. What was initially an exciting, adventurous endeavor became an opportunity for me to feel defeated and ridiculous. After all, I had tried it once before when conditions were near perfect–and failed. And I had attempted another major race the year before, an IronMan, and failed to complete that one as well. And while we’re at it–because you know that once the negative thought train starts, it gains momentum quickly and turns into a runaway train wreck–hadn’t I also failed at a million other things in life? Relationships, marriage, parenting, small business starts, heck, I’d even failed to become a therapist on my first try….you know what?
I think I’ll just stay comfortably right here at home and not even try.
As I grappled with these thoughts, I came across a question that my colleagues ask their clients all the time: What are your limiting beliefs? What are the ideas about yourself that you have taken on throughout life that simply aren’t true? I’m not enough. I’m too much. I’m not good at that. I’m unloveable. And I began to broaden that idea and consider what my limiting experiences are. I really had not even noticed that almost as soon as I identified my goal, I had instantaneously recalled an entire list of things I had failed at, and put a seal of approval on the way they, apparently, dictated my current probability of success. It was then that I began to bring an open, curious mind to this idea.
Why did I interpret past failure as a predictor of current success? And, perhaps more importantly,
Who decided anyway that it was a failure?
Not only did I decide at that moment that the high risk of failure was worth it, but I decided as well as that I would advertise my 50 mile run attempt on social media–something I never do. It may have increased the already high risk of humiliation that would follow potential failure once everyone knew the impossibly high goal I was setting out to achieve, but it also created a layer of accountability that I knew would be important. How risky is something really if there’s no one who knows you set a goal and failed it?
I’m here to tell you that there are three big things I learned about failure that day:
It’s time to redefine “failure”
Failure is not a character quality. And failure usually does not encompass the whole story. Failure should be considered something that is limited to the one specific goal you set out to achieve. For example, my failed first attempt at a 50 mile run was exactly that: a failed first attempt to accomplish that one specific goal. It cannot be applied to my character, my abilities, my future, or my past–and it doesn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean I was a failure. It didn’t mean I’m not a runner, or I’m not a good runner. It didn’t have anything to do with past attempts, and it wasn’t a reflection on future possibilities. It was simply one moment in time that I did not achieve the specific goal I set out to achieve that day. Done and history.
Failure should be put in its proper perspective.
If “failure” only applies to one aspect of the experience–the actual not achieving of a goal–then there is still the entire experience to consider. After my failed attempt at a 50 mile run, I had friends and family that poured love on me the entire weekend, reminding me of how loved I am apart from any accomplishment. I may failed my attempt the year prior at finishing an IronMan, but I wouldn’t trade the year of training leading up to it–the experience of swimming, biking, and running out in nature almost every day, of being healthy and active in my 40s, of accomplishing things in my training I never would have thought possible even 5 years ago, of passing on inspiration and challenge to my kids. I may have failed my attempt at starting a successful small business a couple years ago, but the education and experience–not to mention the confidence and courage– I gained in trying were invaluable. Nothing about any of those experiences feels like a failure in the slightest.
Failure should be an expected part of our growth.
What I’m not advocating here is a defeated-from-the-get-go mindset that leaves you feeling like you’re going to fail, so why even try. Actually, it’s the opposite. This is a success mindset where you expect that along the way to your goals you likely have some failures that you will learn from, make you stronger, and help you adjust and redefine your goals in ways that are more meaningful to you. This is so much bigger than a “What did we learn from this” experience. This is a “What did we put in to this that really shows us what we’re made of” kind of experience.
In case you were wondering, I did succeed in my second attempt at a 50 mile run. And my perseverance through failed attempts showed me more than ever the stuff I’m made of.
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” –Theodore Roosevelt
About the Author:
Lauren Callahan provides individual and couples therapy to adults and teens. She utilizes a holistic perspective in helping individuals through the struggles they face. If you are struggling with knowing how to help your teen navigate overwhelming emotions or struggle yourself, request an appointment with Lauren today: https://beinspiredcc.clientsecure.me/.
Other Services Offered at Be Inspired:
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