The Enlightened Couple

Thousands of years ago, the Buddhist Zen Master Yunmen was asked, “What is enlightenment?”.  Yunmen’s reply was simple:  “An appropriate response.”

Seems easy enough, right?  How does a couple live an enlightened relationship?  Is it possible that if we simply have an appropriate response, that all of our arguments and relational angst will wash away?  

Maybe.  If you’re like me, though, you might be taking note that you are only nominally familiar with Zen Buddhist teachings, though they seem peaceful and wonderful.  And you certainly are feeling a little far from enlightened, and definitely a little less than polished when it comes to finding the appropriate response.

What is an Appropriate Response

If I can help take the mystery out of this idea, though, we’ll start by noticing that “an appropriate response”, as Yunmen put it, has very little to do with finding the right words to something our partner just said, especially if it was really irritating.  And while many of us may be unfamiliar with Buddhist teachings, most of us are at least vaguely familiar with the term mindfulness.  Quite a buzz word in our culture today, mindfulness can actually be considered a westernized, secularized adaptation of Buddhism. While it is often equated with living in the moment, it actually encompasses the idea of non-judgmental awareness of the present.  

Shifting to Mindful Responses

For example, you stub your toe.  A non-mindful response might go something like this:  

I am so clumsy [note the self-judgment].  I always do stuff like this [not staying in the present].  I need a drink [total non-awareness].

A more mindful response might go something a little more like this:

Ouch.  I stubbed my toe [zero judgment].  It hurts [awareness of what’s happening] right now [staying in the present].  And now it doesn’t [still in the present].  Ok…back to what I was doing.  

Notice how non-judgmental awareness of the present gives a lot of space for making clear-headed decisions.  Notice also how the mindful response is simply a response that is really appropriate to what is happening in the moment.  The appropriate response has nothing to do with the words that are said; it just means that the response in the moment is to what is happening in that moment.

Relationships and Appropriate Responses

So how do we take this to our relationships and have appropriate responses?  How do we live as an enlightened couple?  It starts by responding in the moment to what is happening in the moment.

Let’s consider another example.  

Partner 1 asks Partner 2 to pick up a grocery order on the way home from work.  Partner 2 completely forgets to pick up the order, and on top of that is late getting home, and all the while there are kids that are trying to eat, take showers, and get homework done.  A non-mindful response might go something like this:

You are such a jerk [judgment].  You can’t remember anything–you didn’t even remember our anniversary [not in the present moment].  Men don’t really care about their wives; all they think about is themselves [we’ve really lost all awareness at this point of what is happening in the moment.  Probably at this point, we’re on a full on argument that we may have to explain to the neighbors tomorrow.]

A more mindful, appropriate-to-the-moment response might go something a little more like this:

You forgot to pick up the groceries like I asked you to [noticing with non judgment].  I feel really angry and hurt about that [awareness of what emotions are being experienced, again without judgment].  I’m a little overwhelmed right now too because you’re home late [still staying in the present moment].  Can we plan a better way to share responsibilities tomorrow?  

Appropriate Response Outcome

Notice how an appropriate response–as in, a mindful nonjudgmental awareness of the present– helps this partner to be a lot more clear-headed about what needs to happen next.  And probably what happens next is a lot less arguing, with no explanation to the neighbors necessary.  And possibly, the couple walks away with a deeper sense of connection than there was before, as each person has a chance to feel heard, respected, and loved without shame or judgment, and without dragging into the moment junk from the past.

The appropriate response, quite possibly, may be one of the keys to becoming an “enlightened couple”, as our present moment response to what is actually happening in the present moment creates space for love, respect, and deep connection.

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